Parents' role is to learn how to deal with stress and how to express themselves so as not to hurt others. This is not a simple task. However, it is very important, because it depends on the way of upbringing whether the child will be willing to cooperate, or will be stubborn and "difficult" for many years.
A stubborn child - what?
Some children are naturally cooperative when they hear "no". Others don't make any concessions. What it depends on?
It turns out that stubbornness in children (and in adults, too) causes:
- direct commands that leave no choice and put the child against the wall (some children are particularly sensitive to them) - instead of "getting dressed" it is better to say: "you want to put on pants or skirts", "We must go to three stores today. Which one are we going to now? "Instead of" We're going shopping. "
- messages that make the child aware of the loss they are constructed in such a way that they show that the child has little to say and, following the parent's intentions, remains without something he cares about very much.
- incoherent and unclear boundaries - one day a child can do more, another less. It all depends on the parent's well-being. There are no clear boundaries.
If you know that a given situation can bring problems, prepare well for it, thinking in advance how to distract the child from what he or she does not like.
Talk, listen, call feelings
Children who are heard, feel understood by their parents are more willing to cooperate. They rebel less and their stubbornness is less "painful".
It is worth showing the toddler that we understand his feelings. Confirming them and noticing makes them often smaller and easier to control. The child knows that he has the right to them, he feels understood, loved, calms down faster.
- It is difficult to hear "no" ...
- When you hear "no", you want to fight right away, right?
- You like to make your own decisions. I understand that.
Teach your child to give and take
Often the child's stubbornness is due to a lack of sharing skills. It is worth working on it. More on this topic.
Note the good behavior
Many parents do not see a child when they are "good". They are tired enough with stubbornness, which becomes the norm most of the day, to commend the toddler's behavior when calm comes. These short moments, when the child is willing to cooperate, seem to them a well-deserved rest. Meanwhile, this is one of the main mistakes. Instead, it's worth getting into the habit of describing reality: "I see you are having fun. You gave the toy to your sister. Now you can have a good time together. I really like it".
Let your child believe it's good! It wants to be like that. Especially in your eyes.
Don't talk to the fortress
When your child clogs his ears, he is offended, he clearly manifests that he is not interested in what you have to say, do not argue with him, do not try to reach him with a word. It's a waste of time. Let your child cool down ... and respect your voice and your nerves.
Wait for the child to calm down and be ready to listen. Then it's time to talk.
Watch the child and suggest a conversation when the time is right. Unfortunately, you have to show great patience and self-control, and this is not easy and requires constant work on yourself.
Let yourself learn through experience
I remember that when I was little, I liked to experience reality empirically. I didn't take my word for it. I wanted to touch everything, taste it, check if it is really hot, cold, tasteless or raw ...
It is worth allowing your child to learn through experience. Of course, wherever it does not threaten his health. A stubborn child will test his limits in this way. The words "not allowed" are not enough for him, he will want to check them in practice - what will happen if I do it - whether the floor is wet after washing, whether the water is cold ... what will happen when I put my finger in the raw dough.
Sometimes a child needs even a dozen or so attempts to find out that "you can't" really mean you can't.
Don't be an enemy
If a child senses that your parent is becoming an enemy, a party to the conflict that is trying to win the fight, prove that he is right, his ferocity will quickly increase. He will do everything to get out of the situation with his face and his defiance will grow. We react in the same way, we adults. The conflict is self-inflicted and the problem does not disappear.
In addition, a child who you will not allow to manifest his feelings will very quickly show his stubbornness in a different way, for example, wetting the bed long after the time in which he learned to use diapers, will direct his anger at himself - biting his nails, or "defrosting" ears, "taking off his hat on a walk.
Look at the situation from his point of view
The child may insist on a certain solution, because it is more convenient and beneficial for him. He may choose a specific blouse, because the one you showed him is uncomfortable for him. He can insist on dressing himself, because he just wants to learn this skill, especially when he sees that his older sister has mastered this art quite well.