We met in the first year of study, we went through all five years together, we got engaged in the last year, after graduating from marriage, after marrying our own M and in October 2010 we learned that we would be parents. As soon as I saw 2 lines on the test I called him immediately. He believed, but was afraid to be happy, so that it did not turn out that the test was wrong.
The next day we went to the doctor together. As I showed him the ultrasound picture of our 4.4mm ROBAL, Paweł froze and I saw tears in his eyes. They were tears of happiness. He couldn't drive a car anymore. I came back home.
Since then, we have fallen in love again. He took care of me better than I would do it myself, he guarded not only what but also how much I ate. Thanks to him I replaced my morning coffee with breakfast. After several weeks we learned that we would have a daughter. Then my husband was completely crazy. He chose the clothes with much greater enthusiasm than I did, he prepared the house for the arrival of the child days and nights, talked to the tummy as much as he could, hugged us and loved us more and more.
At the end of May, when I was on my last legs, he worked from home. When I swelled like a balloon, he built extreme structures to give me some relief. With patience and unflagging love in his eyes and voice he waited for my moods and whims.
Pregnancy without complaints
However, pregnancy was clearly a blessed state. It lacked typical symptoms and ailments. I had no nausea, heartburn, lack or excessive appetite. There were no whims, sleepless nights, sore legs or spine. Until the third trimester, pregnancy was barely visible. But then I started growing at an alarming rate. When I couldn't fit any more clothes, he assured me that I was not a hippo, but the most beautiful woman in the world.
Finally THIS day has come. Actually, night. Sleepless. In the morning of June 11 we went to the hospital. The delivery continued and continued. It was getting worse. I lost a lot of blood and ... consciousness. He didn't leave me even for a moment. He held his hand, gave water, helped push, breathed with me, and wiped tears in the sleeve. He suffered with me. In the end it worked and after over 12 hours our daughter (trifle 4180g) daughter was born. He was with her from the very beginning - he hugged and swayed when I couldn't. Again with tears in his eyes he left us for the night in hospital. Unconscious of fatigue, hungry, exhausted, he only took care of us, forgetting his needs. The next day he was with us in the morning. When we left the hospital home, he dealt with everything - he laundered, cooked, cleaned and dealt with Lucia. We even set a day just for daddy - Sunday, when mom has a "vacation" since childhood, and daddy takes care of his daughter. It is the most beautiful day of the week. When I look at them together, tears appear in my eyes.
Unexpected turn of events
Łucja grew and developed very quickly. When she was half a year she started to stand and move around the furniture. From the beginning, she was a very lively child, so when she was no longer static, we knew that the difficult period was beginning. However, we did not expect it to be so difficult.
Immediately after the new year I started to feel very bad. I kept on feeling sick and dizzy when going to the mountains. Something was wrong. Premonition did not confuse me. Two lines again came to the test. The second pregnancy was a fact.
We planned another child, but not earlier than by starting efforts during the summer holidays. And here another boy will appear around the end of the summer ... This time I was not so happy. The flood of fears began to overwhelm me.
The first child is still dependent, and here grows another. We didn't have a car, and somehow I had to go to town for an examination. And with a child. Too small for kindergarten and no nursery. For this state is no longer blessed, but a real horror. Constant dizziness, fainting, nausea and vomiting. Lack of appetite meant that I was getting weaker and weaker. From the beginning of February I was to return to work. Everything is wrong, not in time. The spine hurt more than during the first pregnancy in the 9th month. I felt I was losing weight because I still couldn't eat. I would go into the store, look at the shelves, and I was immediately lulled. My husband tried his best, he chose only delicacies, and I still complained. A wave of hormones made me hate the whole world. A state of nervousness is a unique euphemism. I felt aggression not only for people, but also for my own child. And it suffered. The tooth came out after the tooth, she began to learn to walk, so she needed my help, patience and love. And she annoyed me with her behavior, curiosity about the world, whining, sticking to me. I was aware that hormones are going crazy and I'm freaking out. However, I could not control it. I didn't know how to fight, because I've never had anything similar before.
Is the child gone?
February has come. I knew that the first trimester was coming to an end, so I was hoping to improve, at least feel good, stabilize the mood swing, maybe improve my appetite. One evening, browsing recipes on the Internet, I felt something strange happening to me.
I went to the toilet. I noticed a huge pool of blood. I mobilized myself, washed, dressed, packed and headed to the hospital. My husband could not go with me, someone had to stay with the child, feed them, wash them, put them to sleep. On the way, I wondered what might have happened, what the consequence could be.
For a moment it crossed my mind that it was "over", that the child was gone. I felt relief. I immediately scolded myself for this thought. How could I think that?
I came to the district hospital. I was afraid of this place, I read many unflattering opinions. However, I didn't want to go to Warsaw. After all, I left my husband and child at home. It will be easier for him to come to me, in case of anything. First, I was greeted by a dingy admission room, generally general, not gynecological. I waited mine, getting more and more nervous.
A powerful hematoma
After an endless waiting time, a young lady doctor appeared. She invited to the office. She did the necessary tests, she looked at the ultrasound. To calm me down, she immediately assured me that the child was alive. After a moment, she added worried that she was seeing a change that she had to consult. After a few minutes I was diagnosed with a powerful hematoma. Over 8cm, with a child less than 6cm. The probable reasons for its creation were unknown. Perhaps it was a twin pregnancy, maybe overload, maybe too short a break between pregnancies. It is not known and we will never know. However, the diagnosis was clearly related to staying in the hospital. It is not known for how long.
The husband brought the necessary things. I was. The next day, again research. The diagnosis is the same again. I also learned that probably, if I leave the hospital at all, I will have to lay a cake. How can I lie flat with a tiny, very lively child at home? I don't have a babysitter, both grandmothers work and my husband works too. Should I employ both grandmother over 80 years old to look after us? Absurd.
There was one thing known. You need to quickly organize life again. I could forget about returning to work. After two days, we managed to organize everything so that the rest of this nightmare called pregnancy could go roughly according to plan.
Taking a horse dose of progesterone and lying down with a bull did not promote well-being, self-esteem, or mental health. The appetite grew even worse if it could ever get worse. In addition, my complexion broke. At a rapid pace it became gray, almost earthy, covered almost entirely with pustules. Adolescent acne on my skin is a smooth surface. After less than two months of logistic seppuku, it turned out that the diagnosis is an oversight of doctors, i.e. an error in reading ultrasound. Pregnancy is not only not at risk, but it develops completely properly, the baby is healthy, just like mommy. I don't have to lie down or save even more! Everything is and was fine. Bleeding and hemorrhage are common, and this mistake turned out to be a slower sticking ulcer, which is rare, but it happens in women up to 21 weeks of pregnancy.
Being the other one ...
So completely healthy, 4 kilos thinner (constant nausea, lack of appetite and progesterone-deepening drugs that caused this condition caused a decrease in body weight), with complete lack of fitness (2 months of lying with a cake did their job) and the fat complexion slowly returned to normal. I was afraid that after all I would not be able to love this child. Because how can I enjoy the birth of someone who not only ruined my appearance, but also well-being, self-esteem, prevented me from returning to work for a few months, etc.? I didn't want such a solution the most. I was the second child myself and suffered the consequences of being the "second one". I really wanted to avoid it. But I couldn't. My love for a child was only in the form of moderate sympathy. Many times, in difficult moments, I repeated that it would be easier if this pregnancy were not ... Then, naturally, I chastised myself for such thoughts and words, which was reflected in my mental condition. Over and over again…
I liked the dot
Today I am 25 weeks pregnant. I still look terrible, but my mood begins to improve. I know I will have a second daughter. I liked KROPKA, maybe I even start to love her. However, it is still a long way to September. I hope that the worst is already behind me and I will be able to start enjoying this state and someday call it Blessed. After all, there are so many women around who get pregnant with great difficulty and for whom my doubts and words may seem blasphemy and whining. And they are probably right. But how can you enjoy it when everything is exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to be? First pregnancy - a blessed state, well-being, no emotional swings, hormonal jumps, trouble. Second - a real nightmare, from well-being to adventures with doctors. And yet the difference between the daughters will be only 15 months! And both are girls, so there is no question of differences in pregnancy caused by a different sex.
Trends and reality
The trend is spread around that pregnancy is a special, the most beautiful and unique time when a bond is created between a mother and her child. The reality, however, can be less rosy. And if for 9 months I have not been bursting with euphoria and ubiquitous joy, does it mean that I am worse, angry, defiant and without feelings? Or maybe just the myth is too strong and wound up over and over? Today, fear is to admit and loudly say that you are not happy (unless the confession does not apply to a 15-year-old girl after a slip-up who intends to give up a child for adoption), because soon the society haunted by articles PRO, BIO, ECO mothers lynching such a woman, treats like a margin, walking evil and public enemy number 1.
Each of us, Mothers and future Mothers, has the right to their emotions. Has the right to freak out about the child and gadgets offered by the market. He also has the right to experience deeply his own tragedy or just a simple occupation caused by the wrong turn of events. Social pressure on motherhood full of gushing optimism makes it difficult to both become pregnant and pregnant. That I will not mention motherhood itself ...